I grew up in a pet-less household and, essentially, I’m
extremely awkward around all animals.
Dealing with animals is a lot like learning a language. If you don’t
correctly learn how to do it by a certain age, you’re accidentally going to say
something horribly offensive that gets you kicked out of the dinner party. Everyone
has pets, though. Multiple pets. In every variety. Everyone volunteers at
animal shelters on weekends and tears up when they hear Sarah McLachlan songs
that remind them of puppies. My lack of exposure to domesticated creatures has
left me confused on some fronts.
Let’s take cats, for instance. Millions of people have cats
that they LOVE. People adore their cats. Do you know how many people love me
right now? Eight. And I share genes with all of them. What is this nonsense?
I’m drastically better than a cat! I’d bet I’m better than your cat! You should
definitely love me instead.
REASONS I AM BETTER THAN YOUR CAT:
1) Your cat cannot be your designated driver. He does not have
his driver’s license, and he would totally mess up all your car settings. Have
you seen his legs? I’d be shocked if his feet reached the pedals. All in all,
this is an extremely unsafe, terrible option. I am clearly the better choice
for this task.
2) You are much less likely to accidentally kill me than
your cat. I will not slip under your garage door as it’s closing and climb onto
the second story roof with reckless abandon and no realistic plan to get back
down. I will never climb under the
hood of your vehicle and fry when you turn the engine on; I cannot fit! You’re
also probably never going to run over me with your car, but if you did I could
walk away simply horribly injured! Kitty’s a goner here, just save yourself
this cat-death guilt and pick me.
3) Your cat cannot proofread your papers. He has basically
no verbal abilities and his
vocabulary kind of sucks. Can he identify the use of active and passive voice?
Reword the sentences you end in prepositions? Didn’t think so. I, on the other
hand, can and will!
4) There is no box in your house full of my excrement. This is more than Mr.
Whisker’s can say.
Actually, anything I say is more than he can say; again, no
verbal skills.
5) Your cat can’t cook you breakfast. Wake up Friday morning
with a grumbling in your tummy? You will not find Fluffy wearing a seersucker
apron making a fresh batch of Eggs Benedict; he can’t cook! Okay, in all
honesty, neither can I, but I could totally learn. Or I could drive you to
Denny’s and buy you Eggs Benedict. Your cat is not financially stable and
again, he is incapable of driving.
In summary:
Cat=unable to learn to cook.
Ann= mostly unwilling.
6) Your cat can’t show you funny videos on the Internet. His
lack of opposable thumbs makes typing a chore, and he’ll never remember your Wi-Fi
password. If you’re bored on a Sunday afternoon I’ll show you Aziz Ansari stand
up clips and we can watch TV shows on my Hulu Plus account. Does your cat even
have a Hulu Plus account?
7) I do not require a pet sitter. I am way more
self-sufficient than your cat. If you want to take an impromptu summer long
excursion to Paraguay, you can just go! No need to hire an Ann-sitter, I can
look after myself. Also, you could take me with you to Paraguay. I’m an
excellent travel companion.
I’m not as cute as your cat and I may be more annoying. But
your litter-box-scooping, scratched-up-
furniture days could be over if you decided to love me instead of your cat.
I’ll settle for being loved equally, but Feline Dion is under no circumstances
allowed to use my Hulu account.
