I'm Better Than Your Cat

I grew up in a pet-less household and, essentially, I’m extremely awkward around all animals.  Dealing with animals is a lot like learning a language. If you don’t correctly learn how to do it by a certain age, you’re accidentally going to say something horribly offensive that gets you kicked out of the dinner party. Everyone has pets, though. Multiple pets. In every variety. Everyone volunteers at animal shelters on weekends and tears up when they hear Sarah McLachlan songs that remind them of puppies. My lack of exposure to domesticated creatures has left me confused on some fronts.

Let’s take cats, for instance. Millions of people have cats that they LOVE. People adore their cats. Do you know how many people love me right now? Eight. And I share genes with all of them. What is this nonsense? I’m drastically better than a cat! I’d bet I’m better than your cat! You should definitely love me instead.

REASONS I AM BETTER THAN YOUR CAT:

1) Your cat cannot be your designated driver. He does not have his driver’s license, and he would totally mess up all your car settings. Have you seen his legs? I’d be shocked if his feet reached the pedals. All in all, this is an extremely unsafe, terrible option. I am clearly the better choice for this task.

2) You are much less likely to accidentally kill me than your cat. I will not slip under your garage door as it’s closing and climb onto the second story roof with reckless abandon and no realistic plan to get back down.  I will never climb under the hood of your vehicle and fry when you turn the engine on; I cannot fit! You’re also probably never going to run over me with your car, but if you did I could walk away simply horribly injured! Kitty’s a goner here, just save yourself this cat-death guilt and pick me.

3) Your cat cannot proofread your papers. He has basically no verbal abilities and  his vocabulary kind of sucks. Can he identify the use of active and passive voice? Reword the sentences you end in prepositions? Didn’t think so. I, on the other hand, can and will!  

4) There is no box in your house full of my excrement. This is more than Mr. Whisker’s can say.

Actually, anything I say is more than he can say; again, no verbal skills.

5) Your cat can’t cook you breakfast. Wake up Friday morning with a grumbling in your tummy? You will not find Fluffy wearing a seersucker apron making a fresh batch of Eggs Benedict; he can’t cook! Okay, in all honesty, neither can I, but I could totally learn. Or I could drive you to Denny’s and buy you Eggs Benedict. Your cat is not financially stable and again, he is incapable of driving.

In summary:

Cat=unable to learn to cook.

Ann= mostly unwilling.

6) Your cat can’t show you funny videos on the Internet. His lack of opposable thumbs makes typing a chore, and he’ll never remember your Wi-Fi password. If you’re bored on a Sunday afternoon I’ll show you Aziz Ansari stand up clips and we can watch TV shows on my Hulu Plus account. Does your cat even have a Hulu Plus account?

7) I do not require a pet sitter. I am way more self-sufficient than your cat. If you want to take an impromptu summer long excursion to Paraguay, you can just go! No need to hire an Ann-sitter, I can look after myself. Also, you could take me with you to Paraguay. I’m an excellent travel companion.

I’m not as cute as your cat and I may be more annoying. But your litter-box-scooping,  scratched-up- furniture days could be over if you decided to love me instead of your cat. I’ll settle for being loved equally, but Feline Dion is under no circumstances allowed to use my Hulu account.